Oops on the job

Hi, Charley Parkinson here, glad to meet you Harley, you want to go to work in this department, right?

Well Harley, we are a tight knit group here, takes a special person to do this job, oops, sorry, didn't mean to kick you.

I looked over your application, I see you have an IQ of 85, that puts you right about in the group we are looking for. Have you had any problems with nerves or any mental disorders of any kind?

Great, oh, well, ah, seizures like that can be controlled medically, can't they?

Oh no, we will train you, we have an extensive training program that we offer.

Well, it's just seven days, but very extensive, oh, i'm sorry, did that paperweight hit you on the foot?

It consists of opening envelopes, how easy is that, eh?

Well no, actually we give you what we laughingly call ... protective clothing.

Yes, on a few occasions you will need a gas mask, just on certain occasions.

Well, you start out with mail for the representatives, then graduate to the congressmen, and your ultimate goal is to reach the top and check correspondence for the president.

Yes, of the United States, impressive huh?

Yea, you might say we have turnover. Well, we had to do away with medical insurance, you know, ah, the premiums got way to high. What we do, well, we all kick in five dollars each week .........

Well, we buy Powerball tickets, and when we hit, well we're gonna start a trust fund to help pay for those hospital bills, whoa, I am really sorry, that coffee was really hot, wasn't it ..... oh I bet that burns ... here's some Kleenex, ugh, sorry, didn't mean to drop the box ..................

No, we haven't hit yet, you know anyone that can claim you on their insurance.

Hey Harley, did you hit your head when you fell ..... now, was that one of your seizures ...

Well, just lay there for a while, and then report to fitting for your protective clothing, can you start tomorrow?

Oops moves

In a surprise move yesterday, Charles "Oops" Parkinson was taken off of his black ops duties and flown to Washington, D.C. where he will take over his duties in the personnel department of the home office.

"Hey, this is unexpected, I never dreamed of this opportunity. I guess they need my experience in finding the right folks to sniff out these toxic poisons and dangerous bombs, oops, didn't mean to spill that hot coffee on you, sorry," Parkinson stated as he entered his new office.

Oops indicated he would keep all of us updated on his progress in his new position.

Harley Jorgenson, the reporter who conducted the above interview, was treated for burns at a nearby hospital and is expected to make a full recovery.

Oops Update

A number of people have inquired about Charlie "Oops" Parkinson. Some asked if he was in Waco, Texas recently, and the answer to that is no.

Oops started his unusual career with the post office department where he worked in the sorting department in the "hazardous mail" room located  thirty miles outside of Washington in a very remote area. He was ultimately promoted to the "bomb" sorting department, where he was put in charge of  Section 31, which was a highly classified division of the post office department. Any package received in the Washington area that was either suspicious or "ticking" as Oops called it came to his attention.

After a brief stay at Sunny Hills, a "retreat" for victims of nervous disorders and job related "issues," Oops was transferred to the Yorktown Naval Weapons Station located in Yorktown Virginia, where he became an instructor in the Bomb Disposal School.

He was employed there until June of 2011, when he accidentally dropped an NP3475 detonating device which set off an electrical explosion and initiated a chain reaction with resulting explosions in the base commanders office, the communications center, the PX and the officers club. Fortunately the base commander was playing golf, the communications center was closed and both the PX and the officers club were in the process of being downsized as a result of an austerity program that had been recently initiated by the base adjutant.

More recently, Oops is in a highly classified position in a secret "black ops" unit operating overseas in an unknown location. In his last telephone call to his "handler," as they are called, he indicated that all was well, his duties were a bit hazardous, to say the least, and before he could finish the call he had accidentally dropped his cell phone into a sink full of hot soapy water. ...... oops!

Charley "Oops" Parkinson

We hear about suspicious letters being found. WHO are the people who find them?

"Hi little girl, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"You want to do what, inspect mail, in Washington, isn't that dangerous?"

I have to wonder how people get that job and why. It must be an "entry level" job, a trainee job, "an envelope poison checker," in a separate building, way out of town. Then, if you live through it for a year or two, then you move to another building, in town, but, no  Hazardous Duty pay, you have to take a pay cut, but you don't care. They will, however, pay for a shrink to help you resolve those anxiety attacks.

An odd coincidence, all of the "poison checkers" are Republicans.

Some "graduates" of the "poison checker" program go on to "bomb squad" training, and a few have become "special black opp" trainees.

An anonymous department head was quoted as saying, "A few have made it, we are not allowed to give out statistics, but by golly, a couple of years of spine tingling anxiety just gets you ready for most anything. Old Charley "Oops" Parkinson, after a brief stay in a rehab facility, became a member of the presidential security staff, I think, appointed by Boehner, I think it was."